11:35 p.m. - Tuesday, Mar. 02, 2004
Revival For Fun And Profit!
How To Have Revival Without Changing Your Community!
A Pastor�s Guide to Revival For Fun and Profit.
Revival. A fun two months for a church fellowship, usually occurring every five years or so. People get saved. The worship band rocks out like they�ve actually rehearsed. Church membership increases. A good time is had by all. And now, you can have all that fun without the stress and hassle of trying to impact your community!
By following these patented guidelines, you can turn your church�s spiritual revival into your wallet�s financial renewal! Here�s how:
>Focus mainly on personal improvement.
Stay focused on getting the individual right with God. This concept sounds vaguely biblical, and keeps people from focusing on anyone but themselves. As people focus on bettering themselves, those around them become less important. Guilt is an incredible tool in this field. Make them feel bad for not spending enough time in prayer or Bible reading, but don�t make them feel bad for not knowing their next-door neighbour�s name. Humility through selfishness. A concept that will definitely make your church a fun place to be, while leaving the community in which you live completely untouched.
>Save souls, not lives.
If you stay focused on the spiritual man to the exclusion of the physical man, you can do a heck of a lot of outreach without actually reaching out. Ask the folks of your congregation to bring that unsaved co-worker to the next Sunday morning service, as opposed to asking them to do something uncomfortable like making a meal for the homeless drunk that sleeps in the park around the corner. Assign them a simple task, with little to no risk-taking involved. It makes the church member feel like he�s building the kingdom without actually doing anything. No volunteering at the soup kitchen, no visiting old people and, best of all, no sacrifice of the individual�s time or emotions!
>Grow your church, not the kingdom.
Be sure that your sermons are exciting and engaging, without actually being edifying or challenging. People will be impressed with your preaching, and, trust me, word gets around! Soon disgruntled parishioners of other local churches will be hearing about the dynamic, easy-to-swallow sermons being preached at your church. Some of my favourite titles include: End-Times Prophecy: Everything You Always Wanted To Ask, But Were Afraid To Know; Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen DeGeneres, And The Moral Destruction of Western Civilization; and the ever-popular The Middle East: Roadmap to Peace, or Ticking Time-Bomb To The Unholy Reign of the Anti-Christ?
Finally, and most importantly,
>Don�t preach the gospel!
I cannot stress this one enough. The gospel is about denying self and recklessly loving the poor and overlooked. Nothing is more disruptive to the fun and enjoyment of a revival than being reminded of poor people. People do not want to be told to follow Christ�s example of gaining true life through being crucified. The good news of the kingdom, of loving others more than you love your own soul, can do major damage to church growth.
Remember, revivals are a party! Keep the music high and the people jumping. Have fun with it! Just follow these simple steps, and soon you�ll be bringing in the sheaves, and rolling in the dough!
