11:01 p.m. - Tuesday, May. 18, 2004
Forgiveness.
Why can't I forgive?
Let me tell you about myself. I work as a missionary to the poor and homeless. I love reading Thomas Merton and CS Lewis and talking about theology. I like to write musings and poems about the beauty of God. I have even experienced waking visions of His love and mercy. I continually feel the love of God so deeply that I am often brought to tears. I sing at church. I pray at mass. I bow and kiss the feet of Jesus.
So why am I such a bastard?
Why can�t I forgive someone? Jesus washed the feet of his disciples on the night he was betrayed, including the feet of Judas. Jesus shared the bread and wine, his very body and blood, with one who would betray him, and one who would deny him. And I, who claim to follow this same Jesus, have trouble forgiving someone who has wronged me. I am a two-faced, hypocritical bastard.
God, forgive me. I think that I�m a good Christian, but I am full of myself. Somehow, I look at myself and think I�ve got it together, forgetting that I would be a quivering mess on the floor without your grace. Please forgive me. I am a self-righteous idiot. I�m sorry, Lord. Please teach me how to love from a place of honesty, humility, and mercy.
I don�t know how to change my attitude towards this person, but I want my attitude to change. Please help me. Give me a heart that is not only willing to forgive, but eager to forgive. My pardon is in my pardoning.
Dear God, let my heart practice being like yours. Merciful. Compassionate. Ever-giving.
