6:53 p.m. - Wednesday, Jun. 02, 2004
Tim LaHaye & Jerry B. Jenkins Left Behind!
Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins Left Behind!
special to Christianity Today
After what is widely believed to be the Biblical �rapture� foretold in Revelation, major players in the Christian Community have been shocked to discover that personalities such as best-selling authors Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins have, in fact, been left behind.
Other surprise �left-behinders� include Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, and perhaps less surprising, the entire staff of religious satire magazine �The Door.�
What is more surprising is who was not left behind. In the U.S. alone, hundreds of thousands of homeless people were among those who disappeared, as well as many people of different religious persuasions.
Oversees, citizens were shocked to find a near-barren Vatican City. His holiness Pope John Paul II and most of the arch-bishops are just some of the millions of Catholics world-wide who make up over half of all who have been found missing.
�The odd thing is that Catholics don�t even believe in the rapture!� said one left-behind Vatican official who wished to remain nameless. �I mean, who knew??�
�No one was prepared for this. This just isn�t the way it was foretold in the Holy Scriptures OR in the Bible!� said Pastor Bob Johnson of First Baptist Church in Sacramento, CA. �I have read and re-read the whole series, and this is just a complete shocker. I think there�s been some kind of mistake.�
Most prominent theologians agree, however, that the incredible disappearance of billions worldwide was, in fact, the rapture. �The evidence is clear. There are just too many folded clothes to deny it.� admitted renowned author Jenkins. �I think He did the bit with the clothes just to spite me.�
Co-author LaHaye disagrees. �It�s possible that what we have seen here is a kind of �un-rapture,� where all of the people that bother us have been taken away, thus signaling my thousand-year reign... er... CHRIST�s thousand-year reign on earth.�
LaHaye is busy writing another novel, this time without the aide of former co-author Jenkins. Tentatively titled �Left Behind 22: Electric Boogaloo.� It should be available in Christian bookstores by December, just in time for the Christmas rush. In an interesting marketing strategy, the novel is already available for pre-order. Customers wanting to reserve a copy can simply receive a small microchip, invisible to the naked eye, on their forehead or right hand which, when scanned, will let Christian retailers know how many copies the customer has ordered.
�It�s just much simpler this way.� LaHaye commented. �I want Christians everywhere to feel as comfortable and at-ease as possible in these wondrous days. They have a bright future to look forward to, and I want them to know that I, Tim LaHaye, will always be their for them. Also, their names, addresses, and credit card numbers will not be stored in a secret computer underneath my mansion.�
