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11:14 p.m. - Wednesday, Jun. 16, 2004
\"Only You Have the Words of Life\"
"The thing about embracing the pain of the world is that it can hurt so darn much."

I've been feeling that lately. I know I haven't done half as much (heck, even a tenth as much) as a lot of other Christians have done to help the world's poor and hurting. Millions since Christ's Ascension have gone much farther than I. And yet, I'm feeling the heaviness of knowing too much.

There is a certain bliss in not knowing, and lately I've wished that I could go back to that. I've found myself wishing that I did not know about all of the horrible things that go on on South Ninth Street. I wish I didn't know that there are families with children still in diapers living under the bridge. I don't want to know any more. It hurts to know.

I've been doing a lot of work at the church this past week, important things that I really do need to help with, but in the back of my mind I want to be able to just stay and work on the church property. I don't want to go out to the parks and get my heart broken. My heart is in so many pieces already, it seems that the only thing left to do is grind it to dust.

I know this will pass, because I know that I can't go back. Peter said to Jesus, "Where can we go? Only you have the words of life." I have been ruined. It's almost as if God took me seriously when I asked him to break me. It's just that I feel so powerless sometimes.

Yet still...

I probably saved a guy's job this week. I've known Ron for a year now. He stayed on our church property (sleeping in his car) for a while last year until he could save up money for an apartment. He had been in a desperate situation, and a church with a good heart was able to help him climb out of it.

This past weekend, however,his car had broken down and needed a tow and a radiator. Without a vehicle, he could not get out to his painting site, and he'd been told that if he missed any more days, he'd be fired. Being fired means being evicted. So I've given him a ride to work for the last three days. With a lot of help from Jimmy, the radiator was repaired, and Ron will be driving to work tomorrow.

Maybe I don't need to feel overwhelmed and powerless. With the help of good friends, I was able to be Christ to Ron, and that is no small thing. Yes, I am small. Christ in me is not.

So God, I guess you can go ahead and break me some more. I'm sorry for despairing. I'm sorry for being selfish. Make room for yourself. Grind this heart to dust, and replace it with yours. Only you have the words of life.

 

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