1:54a.m. - Saturday, Jul. 10, 2004
We'll Take Your Coors Light So Fast It'll Make Your Head Spin!
What an awesome feeling!
My friend Jimmy and I totally broke up a party. A bunch of dumb kids were in the park drinking and being loud, so Jimmy (having a wife and two children trying to sleep), told the police to swing by. Knowing that the best part of calling the cops is to watch dumb-asses get busted, I decided to take a stroll down the street. I thought I might also gain insight into what house was hosting the aforementioned dumb-asses (or is the proper plural 'dumb-aii'?).
So I stroll up one side of the street, pick up an open bottle of Smirnoff Ice and dump it out, stroll to the other side of the street and dispose of the bottle. At this point, Jimmy has put on a shirt and shoes and has joined me. We see a young girl wandering the street, getting into a car with her friends.
"Been drinking tonight?" Jimmy says.
"No!"
"What about your driver? Don't get in that car if he's been drinking!"
"No, he's like, 23. What are you doing up at one in the morning anyways?"
"The question is what are YOU doing up?"
"I know, I'm sorry."
There are still a bunch being loud and running around in the park when a police car is finally spotted coming down the other street. The kids start to bolt towards their car amid yells of "Dude! Just walk! Just walk!" "No! He's coming over here!" "Just walk!" "He's gonna bust us!"
They get to the car, and would've made a clean getaway, but Jimmy and I decided to engage them in some conversation.
"Have you been drinking? Don't you get in that car if you've been drinking."
"No, no."
"I'll call the cops so fast it'll make your heads spin!" (Forgive him for the 'head spin' reference. He was a little worked up, and his improvisational skills weren't fully tuned in.)
"No, man! We're fine!"
The look of fright is cemented when the cop finally pulls up beside them. Frustratingly, the dumb cop never actually gets out of his car. I suppose he thought he just give them "a scare."
I write down licence plate. Car leaves. Jimmy flags down dumb cop and tells him they've been drinking.
"Yeah, I know."
(no you don't, doofus!)
Jimmy asks if he got the plate and the cop says, "Yeah, that's why I'm gonna go follow them!" Clearly he was NOT going to go follow them, but to save face in front of us, he finally took off down the road.
Obviously, no justice was to be administered by Officer Apathy, so we decided to administer our own in some small way. We head into the park, assured that we would find a mostly full case of beer. Paydirt came on the ceramic bench. An eighteen pack of Coors Light with nine still waiting. Score.
We take the pack back to the house and wait. Within a few minutes the car was back, and we watched as a sentinal ran out to recover the Coors.
Sorry, Charlie. No more beers for you.
Jimmy and I smile and wave as they drive by us and off into the night, each of us holding a cool, refreshing can of Coors Light.
The End.
