7:41 p.m. - Tuesday, Jun. 01, 2004
Finding Myself In the Crowd.
I know, it's been far too long since I wrote. I haven't forgotten my journal. 'Crazy' only begins to describe my life lately. Plenty of good things, but little time for reflection and quiet, especially by a computer screen.
My friends Jim and Kelly Sustar (see entry 'a real tip-your-hat gentleman') and their two little ones arrived here from Ohio last week. And they're not visiting. They have come to live in Modesto and work with us. They'll also be living with us for at least a couple months until they have their support in a place where they can afford an apartment. So the house has been... interesting. Chris, Amie, Josh, Sam, Jim, Kelly, Mila, Zion, and... me.
Chris and I have been talking a lot over the last several months about community, and wanting to have more of a sense of it. Well, here we are. For the most part, it's pretty cool. I really love Jim and Kelly. You just kind of have to be a little more creative in order to maintain your personal reflection/God time. I'm actually stealing a moment right now, as I'm normally helping Chris run the youth group at this time.
So here I am, just taking a breath. Thinking about community. Actually, through these last couple of weeks, we were seriously considering moving into a 5 bedroom house with 2 other couples. We even tried to apply, but there was a strict no-pets rule, so it was not to be. We were trusting that God would direct us if it was right or wrong, and he did.
I've really had to face myself a lot in all of this. Between the 'forgiveness' things I wrote about, committing to be a part of community (even though that particular one didn't pan out), and then kind of inadvertantly forming a new one with the Sustars, and a few other issues, it's been a challenge this last couple weeks. I hope I'm coming out of a few things, though.
I just want to feel alive again. I know I will, I just need to make sure I make more times like this. God is faithful, constantly. I just need to be reminded of him, and he reminds me of who I really am. When I feel I've lost myself, my truest self is found in him.
God, let me find you everywhere. Give me strength to be your hands, your feet, your voice to everyone in my life; from the homeless bum to the 3 year old living in my house. Help me to find myself when I feel I've been lost in the crowd. Let me find myself in you.
