12:07 p.m. - Monday, Nov. 03, 2003
Things I didn't want you to know.
I came to a bit of a revelation the other day. I've been having a pretty intense corespondence with my Uncle over the last week and have gained a lot of insight into just what he is really like. I've realized he's way cooler than I ever thought he was.
I simply never knew that there was another Alford who believed in anything that could be construed as 'charismatic.' I never knew just how much alike we are. And the odd thing is that I was keeping some of the parts of myself that were most like him a secret because I didn't think he would understand them! I'm such an idiot!
All this caused me to realize that I do something that is very unhealthy. I often present a slightly false image of myself in order for people not to get a false image of me. Stupid, isn't it?
For example, I felt a little nervous about telling people about my article in The Door because I was afraid someone would misunderstand it. Ridiculous.
I would never mention on my ywam site that I enjoy smoking a pipe from time to time, because I would be afraid that some nice old Christian lady who loves and supports me would misunderstand such behaviour and think I don't have a good relationship with the Lord. I do, however, have a very good relationship with the Lord, so I present a slightly false "non-pipe-smoking" image of myself. This ensures that everyone's happy. No one is offended, and no one has misunderstood me.
However, there is something inherently flawed in that thinking. Hiding certain aspects of my personality for the sake of not offending will only keep people from truly understanding me. It will also keep me from truly understanding other people. Even 'being offended' is a key element of understanding another. If I never let you see the part of myself that would offend you, then I will probably also never let you see the part of myself that would most inspire you.
What is so stupid about all this is that it's my Christian friends that I'm afraid of offending! They are the very people I should be most open with! And how arrogant of me to assume that you would be offended! So enough is enough. Let me offend you. Let me be misunderstood by you. It's the only way we'll ever start to understand each other.
______________________________________________________
In keeping with the above entry, the following is a list of things about myself--good, bad and indifferent--that, depending on who you are, I didn't want you to know about me.
I smoke. Not cigarettes, but a pipe. Every once in a while. It makes me feel like CS Lewis or JRR Tolkien.
I drink. It's rare, but I have been known to have a brew. I can't tell you how cool it feels to walk into an Irish pub with your priest friend. "Oh yeah, I'm with the priest!"
I swear. Not that proud of this one, and I'm by no means a sailor-mouth, but I probably swear more than you think. Or maybe less than you think now that I said that. Or maybe I don't swear at all. Anyway, I have a suspicion that Christians would be holier people if they didn't worry so much about what they say when the stub their toes.
I watch movies that sometimes have a lot of 'offensive material' in them, and it's often those movies that speak to me on the deepest levels. 'Magnolia' is the best example of that.
This is by no means a comprehensive list, but it's a bit of a primer. I just want to make sure that I'm being completely free and completely myself when I'm writing here. If someone gets offended, then let that be a door that's been opened into relationship, not closed.
Let's love each other enough to step on each other's toes.
